Recipe For A Hipster Restaurant – Effortlessly Cool

Posted: June 28, 2013 in NERDSTEAK - Food View
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

ID-10017690

If you are looking to start your own hipster-attracting restaurant, or not sure if you have just walked into a cool (like Arcade Fire cool) trendy new joint, here are a few notes that will point you in the right direction:

 

 

  1. You must write your entire menu and drink list in vibrant bright chalk with goofy bubbly, or ‘Old English’ script.  This will make you patrons think you have a rotating seasonal menu and liquor options.  Make sure to never change your menu to even further confuse your guests.
  2. Print your menu on cheap parchment that easily gets dirty, as well as use odd names, vague menu descriptions, and exotic sounding or upscale words for relatively simple food items.
  3. Your tables, chairs, dinnerware, and overall design should look old, beat-up, communal, and look sporadic.  In fact, purposely acquire things that don’t match.  This will make your hipster guests happy as it will remind them of their hairstyle,  fashion, and overall lackadaisical attitude.
  4. Set up photo booths with odd lighting at each table so patrons an Instagram photos of everything they eat or drink.
  5. Make sure to only serve microbrew and exotic alcohols that no one is familiar with.  However, PBR is the exception, and due to the hipsters, the price is continuing to go up.
  6. Have you waitstaff only communicate to guests via social networks.  Also, keep your restaurant or bar bright since most people will be wearing huge sunglasses.
  7. Only play 80’s cartoons, cheesy B-grade horror classics, or foreign films on your TV screens, especially when major local sporting events are on.  Also, only Indie bands in the juke-box.
  8. Make a conscience effort to support skinny jeans, and high waisted Mom pants in your vicinity.
  9. There should be a minimal noise decibel level  coming from the jewelry, chains, necklaces, and bracelets worn by all staff and customers.
  10. Don’t clean too much.
  11. Keep a small stage available for the freedom of expression.
  12. Make sure to segregate any non-hipster like individuals who come into the restaurant or bar, and berate them with strange questions about weird books, or composting.
  13. Serve Totino’s pizza rolls as an appetizer to be ironic.
  14. Reuse food other people don’t eat to save the environment.

What did I miss?

 

Comments
  1. gmoney xmas says:

    Tell me more about the farm on which my food was raised than you tell me about the food itself. And please, for the love of God and all hipstermanity, don’t take reservations.

  2. hahaha! I went to a place like this Saturday. But the food was soooooo good!

  3. gmoney xmas says:

    Read Josh Ozersky on chefs “reinventing comfort food” for another take on vapid hipsterist food: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/upscale-comfort-food?src=rss

    “Chefs aren’t dumb. They are generally very smart, at least the ones people like me hear about. But they are dumb in the way that smart people generally are: They overthink things, overvalue novelty, and enjoy the easy applause that comes from a designer label.”

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