The Modern Food TV Show – Chef Trolling

Posted: August 28, 2013 in NERDSTEAK - Food Rant
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Here are some of the things you need to do in order to have a hip and trendy new ‘food show’…

  • Make sure to talk extremely loud even though modern technology allows you to speak at a normal decibel level. Demand peoples attention.  (Thanks Billy Mays)
  • You need to walk around, drive, or take public transportation when traveling to your destination.  Make sure your camera man films you all jerky-like and off center.
  • Make fun of your guest or patrons allowing your ego to shine through to your audience.  You know how to cook their food better than them anyway.
  • Always make weird, loud noises when eating food.  Take gargantuan bites and allow food to drip down your arm.  Everything you eat is always the best ever!
  • Use descriptive words that don’t actually describe what you are eating.  ‘This is an extremely flavorful, super-awesome dish! It is bomb-diggity, monster-delicious, yum-yum food which will make you happy.’ (So what does it taste like?)
  • Let your audience know what the secret ingredients are to spoil the suspense.
  • Dip your unwashed hands into all of the items being prepared…sneezing would be better.
  • Interview all of the patrons who are most likely to give you a standard boring response. (This place is the best in town!)
  • Never discuss the long hours, hard work, low income, and failure rate of restaurants.  Your makeup person will hide the bags under the chefs eyes, and paint a smile on their face.
  • If someone isn’t as outgoing as you, make them feel uncomfortable.
  • If your guest doesn’t have a happy, sad, or funny backstory…don’t have them on the show.
  • Wear inappropriate clothing in the kitchen, such as excess jewelry, flip-flops, baggy cloths, and unbuttoned shirts.  Bring sexy back as well.
  • Don’t ever show anyone cleaning anything.
  • If it is not farm to table, it can’t possibly be good.

Does anyone else have any shenanigans to add???

Comments
  1. Nice post! I have similar sentiments about today’s TV celebrity ‘chef’. I actually call out Rachel Ray in one of my posts! In regards to this post, I think you forgot to add “Have frosted hair, and wear your sunglasses on the back of your head.” That’s right Guy!

  2. Jerrie says:

    You’ve listed pretty much every reason I have for avoiding those shows at all costs. Thanks for the follow. Bacon rules!

  3. LMAO. Great job! Well written.

  4. Maria M says:

    Always make a point of saying: This will only take 20 minutes, (when in reality it will take the best part of an hour and all the pots in your kitchen!)
    Great post, thank you for checking out my lightweight site.

  5. I. Love. This. Post. Thank you for writing it and thanks for following me! I hope I have this many people commenting on my blog someday, haha 🙂

  6. katebaumber says:

    Nice one! Really enjoyed reading this – very funny. 🙂

  7. Pang says:

    This is so funny, and true. Love reading it 🙂

  8. tawnya35 says:

    All of your reasons are reasons that I stopped watching shows on the Food channels. I miss the days when it was all about the food! Thanks for the like on my recipe. Stop by again sometime.

  9. I really liked this post. I have found one quiet show called MasterChef UK: The Professionals. No one yells and when chefs are eliminated, they say their food had too many mistakes. The criticisms are more helpful than hurtful.

  10. alivitari says:

    I have mixed emotions here. The idea of the celebrity chef has created the modern food culture, however, I completely agree that they tend to take it too far. I think that, at this point, the sheet number and style of these shows run the risk of damaging the reputation that chefs have worked hard to cultivate over the years. I say dial it back some and let’s see some good, honest cheffing.

  11. •Never discuss the long hours, hard work, low income, and failure rate of restaurants. Your makeup person will hide the bags under the chefs eyes, and paint a smile on their face…. Fu07in* A

  12. thefoodstew says:

    Good stuff…if it wasn’t enough to have it on TV all of the time Canada had to have its own version…”You Gotta Eat Here”. But having shows like this has allowed a guy like me to blog about food….all bling and no content….I kid..good post

    Cheers

  13. I was a chef, I’d totally do the sneezing part…maybe even a hairball!!!

    (he,he,he,he,he)

    Shrimp

  14. Leave the Cannoli, Take the Knife says:

    Love this post. And would like to add “Stand in the kitchen in a pouffy/spiky hairdo so that many strands of your long, greasy hair end up in the food.”

  15. Gabriella says:

    Haha! Classic, and so true 🙂

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